How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't.

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man....The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1 2 3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all she has to say is '1 2 3 4', and it will then go down. But be warned, the 'pork sword' will not rise again for another year.' The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '1 2 3 for?"

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You Tube

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Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:

"Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.

The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?

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Bear Hunting.

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting.

He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it.

Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear.

The Black Bear said, Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex. Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him.

The Grizzly said, That was a huge mistake Don.

You've got two choices.

Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.

Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it.

He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder.

Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.

The Polar Bear said, "Fu@rking Hell Don, admit it, you don't really come here for the Hunting, do you..?

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I was asked to take part in a scientific experiment and I would get paid £50, when I got there I was asked for a ********** sample to fertilise a chimps ovaries so I punched the bloke in the face and walked out. No one makes a monkey out of me.

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George gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for some tips on what to do (because he has never been with a woman before).

George: so what do I do first?

His FATHER: take her clothes off and lay her on the
bed.

Two minutes later he’s on the phone again "she is
naked and in bed, what do I do now?"

His father can't believe what he is hearing.

FATHER: take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her

After another two minutes poor he is on the phone
again.

George: dad I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?

His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "shit son, do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!"

Just when the old man starts snoring, George is on the phone again.

George: ok dad, i have my head in the toilet bowl what do i do next?

George's FATHER: DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT