How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I just bought 2 goldfish..,I'm naming them One and Two....So,if One dies,I still have Two left...

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My missus just said what are your plans for Easter? I said the same as Jesus!
Disappear Friday then turn up on Monday.

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My girlfriend said, "Pssst."....I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssst."...I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssssssssst."....I said, "What?!"
Then I realised she was punctured. ..

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A new hairdressing salon opened right across the street from the old established hairdresser’s shop. They put up a big sign that read: "WE GIVE TEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX TEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Ways To Maintain Mental Health
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Sing Along At The Opera.
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking Lot, Yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

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Sing a song of shamrocks, dance an Irish jig! Pour yourself a hearty drink, and take a healthy swig! Tell a tale of leprechauns, drape yourself in green and have the best St Patrick's day the world has ever seen! 🍀🍀🍀🍀🇮🇪🇮🇪🇮🇪......

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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

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I got sacked from PC World today.
A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.
I said “Probably a shovel.”