How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.

"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock". Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.

"Where on earth did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.

"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle. "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer. "Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. “Why it's Irish whiskey.”! He spluttered.

"Lord bless me." said Paddy, "another bloomin' miracle."



On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.

The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.

"What's it for?" asked Paddy

"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.

Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."



An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.



Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the dayoff. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[layback40]

My favourite paraprosdokian: I would rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like his passengers.

Due to a major power blackout, only one paramedic is able to respond to a call from a woman who is suddenly caught short and about to give birth in her own home. The house is very, very dark, so the paramedic asks the woman’s three-year-old daughter, Katelyn, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he can see while he helps deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn does as she is asked. Her mother pushes and pushes, and, after a little while, her baby brother is born. The paramedic cuts the cord, lifts him by his little feet and, in the classic fashion, smacks him once on his bottom. The little-un begins to cry. The paramedic then thanks Katelyn for her help and asks the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thinks about what she has just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responds, He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again

The Year's Best Actual News Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

The Benefits of Walking (Thinking of Jo!)

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

[layback40]

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you pour hot water into a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? Nice gnawing you.

What is Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music? Hip-hop!

How does an Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good? Hare spray.

Why was the Easter Bunny so sad? He was having a bad hare day.

How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? He eggs-ercises.

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit? Hare-obics.

How does the Easter Bunny travel? By hare-plane.

How do you write a letter to an Easter Bunny? Use hare-mail!

What do you call an Easter Bunny who gets kicked out of school? Egg-spelled.

What the Easter Bunny’s favorite dance move? The bunny hop.

Why does the Easter Bunny want to win a gold medal? Because he heard it's 24 carrot.

What kind of bunny can't hop? A chocolate bunny.

What kind of rabbit tells jokes? A funny bunny.

Did you hear about the bunny who sat on a bumblebee? It's a tender tail!

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.

What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade? It was eggs-cellent.

Some of the World’s Craziest Easter Traditions:

A tradition of sending relatives and friends in Denmark, paper cuttings which often look like snowdrop/s is called gækkebrev. There is a rhyme hidden in each letter and the sender’s name is replaced with dots. If the recipient can guess who sent the letter, the sender owes them a chocolate egg.

A popular tradition on Easter Monday in Hungary, when boys are visiting girls to tell a poem and sprinkle them with water or spray them with perfume to keep them young and fresh. As a reward they receive a neatly painted egg and they are served with a lot of different cakes, too. This tradition goes back to the ancient beliefs of fertility symbolised by the egg and the cleaning, healing effect of fresh water.

It is not all about hot cross buns and chocolate eggs in basket delivered by the easter bunny. An older game in the north of England is to roll eggs against one another or down hill. Hard boiled eggs are rolled down slopes to see whose egg goes furthest. If eggs are banged against each other the owner of the egg that stays in one piece without any cracks the longest is the winner.

It is worthwhile to visit the city of Haux in France this time of the year. You well may have served with a bit of a giant omelette in some of the town’s main square. The story behind this gastro feast goes back to Napoleon. When he and his army were traveling through south of France, they stopped in a small town and he ate omelettes. Napoleon liked it so much that he ordered the local people to gather all their eggs and make a giant omelette for his army as well. On Easter Monday, the residents of Haux (in France) usually crack more than 4,500 eggs into a gigantic pan to create a massive Easter omelette that serves over 1,000 people. Each family breaks the eggs in their homes in the morning and they gather in the main square where the eggs are cooked for lunch. And dinner. And breakfast the next morning...

Easter is known around the world for multi-coloured, decorated eggs. But in Greece you will find only red eggs. Red is the colour of life, you see, as well as a representation of the blood of Christ. From ancient times, the egg has been a symbol of the renewal of life, and the message of the red eggs is victory over death. Got it?

Easter time is crime time in Norway. Television channels run crime shows and a slew of new detective novels are commissioned to come out just before Easter. People across the country escape into their mountain cabins and spend the weekend with the ‘whodunnit’ television shows or books. Even the milk cartons carry short detective stories on their side during the season. The phenomenon was triggered by the immense popularity of a crime novel in 1923, set on the Bergen railway.

While the rest of the world hunts for Easter eggs hidden around the house, the good folk of Otago in New Zealand grab their guns for the annual ‘Great Easter Bunny Hunt’. The idea is to rid farmlands of ‘invasive pests’, with over 500 hunters vying for the coveted trophy and the $NZ 3,500 prize money. With over 10,000 rabbits meeting their maker each year, the Easter Bunny sensibly gives this corner of New Zealand a miss.

And Australia made the list: In an attempt to raise awareness about the dwindling Bilby population, confectioners in Australia have taken to making chocolate likenesses of this small rabbit-size marsupial. Aussies can scoff at will, knowing that every bite they take is helping to save an endangered species – which of course, would seem quite strange to the rest of the world.



A man was driving along the highway when saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter bunny jumped in front of the car and was struck by his car. The basket of eggs and candy, the rabbit was carrying, went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man, as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. 'I feel terrible', he explained, 'I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Children will be so disappointed. What should I do?'

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. 50 metres further on, he turned again, waved and hopped another 50 metres, again he waved.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked, 'What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?'

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: 'Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.'

[layback40]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh1t!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips head screws.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". A commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

A SON OF A B1TCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A B1TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



Right after take-off, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is …” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mike, “Oh my gosh, it’s burning! It’s burning!

Then there was silence. A few seconds later, the pilot comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about that. I spilled some hot coffee on my lap … You should see my pants!”

A voice from the back of the plane yells, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”



A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

Is this good for wasps?” he asks the assistant.

To which she replies, “No, it kills them.”



It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?”

The baby mosquito replied, “It went great, everyone was clapping for me!”

[layback40]

A little six-year-old student came up to me while I was on playground duty and asked if she could go to sick bay. When I asked her why she needed to go she told me that she had a headache in her knee!



Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it is Google Pizza.

So, I have the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.

Okay. Take my order please.

Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual? How do you know me?

According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust....

OK! OK! That's it.

Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is high!

How do you know? Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.

But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Chemist Network.

I bought more from another Pharmacy.

It is not showing on your credit card.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.

WHAT THE HECK? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport, as it expired 5 weeks ago!



An eighty-year-old says to his eighty-two-year-old neighbor. “I hear you’re getting married?” “Sure am.”

“Do I know her?” “Don’t think so”

“This lady, is she good looking?” “Not really”

“Is she a good cook?” “No, she can’t cook at all”

“Does she have lots of money?” “No, poor as a church mouse”

“Well, is she good at housework?” “No, not at all”

“Why would you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive”



A senior citizen was telling his neighbor. “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me just on four thousand dollars. It’s state of the art--- perfect”

“Really”, answered the neighbor “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty”



If you can start the day without caffeine. If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles. Eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you their time and take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can conquer tension without medical help, relax without alcohol, sleep without the aid of drugs...Then you're probably the family dog!

[layback40]

Our hopeful future PM, Albo walked into a bank to cash a cheque
When he’s called over to the teller, he says,
"Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Albo said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I’m the leader of the Labor Party of Australia."
The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors,
forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Albo said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Albanese, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"
Getting a bit agitated, Albo snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."
The teller said, "Look Mr Albanese, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Patrick Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Albanese, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Albo stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind.
I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."
With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Albanese?

[layback40]

Brad lives in Melbourne, he was sick of the World, of Covid-19, Chinese belligerence, global warming, species extinction, racial tension, and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favourite radio station and left his car at a slow idle.

Two days later, his neighbour realising she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered through the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car. Immediately she phoned emergency services. Police, fire and the ambulance arrived promptly.



After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold.

Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery.



He also votes Green…which explains his non-understanding of the real world.

Peter and Ros
Wed 11/05/2022 9:17 PM





Brad lives in Melbourne, he was sick of the World, of Covid-19, Chinese belligerence, global warming, species extinction, racial tension, and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favourite radio station and left his car at a slow idle.

Two days later, his neighbour realising she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered through the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car. Immediately she phoned emergency services. Police, fire and the ambulance arrived promptly.



After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold.

Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery.



He also votes Green…which explains his non-understanding of the real world.