How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00 in the offering plate. it happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the offering plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied. " Every week my son sends me money and I give a little to the church." The pastor replied, " that's wonderful. But $1000.00 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, " $10,000.00 a week" The pastor was amazed. " Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?" " he is a veterinarian," she responded. " That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea that they made that much money," the pastor said. " Where does he practice?" The woman answered, " In Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Elko and one by Laughlin."

[bruggz351]

The Lazy Old Man

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, " Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. " Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, " All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice and without moving, Fred replied, "THE BALCONY."

[layback40]

Inscriptions on headstones:

“Well, this sucks.”

“I’d rather be reading this.”

“I will not be right back after this message.”

“I was hoping for a pyramid.”

“He was a good husband, a wonderful father, but a bad electrician.”

“Go away – I’m asleep.”

“Damn it’s dark down here.”

“Jokes over, let me out now!”

“I told you I was sick.”

“We once were where you are. You will be where we are. Prepare.”

“Here I lie, but don’t you cry. For one day too, you will die.”

“This isn’t bad – once you get used to it.”

“I knew this would happen.”

“I see dumb people.”

“Waldo.”

“Here lies an atheist. All dressed up and no place to go.”

“I am not really dead. Do not believe these American lies.”

“Bye.”



Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Wherever you put it.

I think our country doesn't want us free; I think they want us sedated. You know, so we don't notice things -- like who's running it.



Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way.

Why did the rabbit cross the road? He didn't, he got hit by a car.

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef jerky.

Did you hear about the two beans who went backpacking? Things were great until they got into Cairns.



Some one-liners from Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

[bruggz351]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

[rustynuts]

The unnamed Formula One Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed their decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire the teenagers was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas the formula ones existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the the Formula 1 management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, the unnamed team now have the advantage over every team.

However, Formula one may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the ***** Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of M******'s bird in the shower.

[layback40]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone....
..
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you

[rustynuts]

I went out last night and learnt something new. I have always wondered what they were for.