Jokes

[Dorzun]

this is a joke

[Tasar]

God and Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, " I want to hang out
with God." St.Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God


God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"


Arthur said, " Yep, that's me".


God said," Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and polluting and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, " Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor of woman?"


God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, " professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

" Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on".



God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!

[xflow]

Albert Schiter Age 97 died today.

Albert's claim to fame was that he invented the "Hokey Pokey".

They had a bit of a drama at the undertakers when they tried to get him in the coffin.

They got the left leg in but it all went a bit wrong at that point.

[wendaloo]

The Business Trip

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No' wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it... Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic...but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

[Nobody]

Dr Dave slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But once in a while he would hear an internal voice say "Dave, don't worry about it, you aren't the first doctor too sleep with one of your patients and you wont be the last, just let it go!"
But the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering...."Dave you're a f@#king vet!"

[hemijeepy]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, " where have you been?
"God pointed downwards through the clouds.
"Look Michael, look what I've made," said God. Archangel Michael looked
puzzled and said, " what is it ? "
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For
example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed
a continent of black people."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold
and covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land
and asked,"what's that ?"
"Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on
earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of
the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the
world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, "
Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast"

[silver_jk]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he
whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, ******** off."