How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocer,y gets the urge.
It's a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
It's on him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"

[layback40]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
"If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!

[layback40]

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”
To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,
“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.

[layback40]

There's this couple doing some yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower.
Shortly after the guy is looking for the rake and yells up to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window,
"WHERE'S THE RAKE?" he yells
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his
knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"WHAT?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes
her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he
quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
"What did you say?" he asks
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

[layback40]

Three Aussie TELSTRA blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[layback40]

Europe has decided it is no longer acceptable to call people illegal immigrants or asylum seekers. They are now to be addressed as "Travellers Without Authority To Stay"

Or TWATS for short.

[layback40]

A couple went to have their baby.. Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him..... The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband both were ecstatic... When they reached home...The gardener was laying dead on the lawn!