How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

[layback40]

Did You Know :-

Martin Scorsese's Film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a World Record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

*

That actually beats a record, set by my Dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea Desk together.

[layback40]

Two Wise Old Hedgehogs and a young one are planning to cross a busy motorway.

The cars are flying by really quickly and they cannot get across.

One of the Old Hedgehogs says the best way to get across would be to wait until it get's dark and then try to cross.

He said if a car is coming just try to stay in between the two headlights and the car will drive over you and you will be safe.

They waited until it got dark and then got the young hedgehog try out the theory. Sure enough halfway across along came a car, he remembered what he was told and aimed in between the oncoming cars headlights and held his breath, SPLAT...!!!

The Two Old Hedgehogs looked at each other and one said "Well, fuck me, what do you think of that"..??? the other one said.

" Yeah, it's been friggin ages since we saw a Robin Reliant around these parts"...

[layback40]

Three friends are debating who has the best memory.

First friend says, 'I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.'

Second friend says, 'I can remember my first day at Nursery School!'

Not to be outdone, the third friend says, 'Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.

[layback40]

While walking through the park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'.

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...

[layback40]

Two midgets

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two 'professionals' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to 'perform'.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get 'going'."

The second midget shook his head.

"You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.

"I couldn't even get on the frickin' bed"

[layback40]

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I take that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there is no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.