How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[rustynuts]

Beer and Viagra?

[rustynuts]

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's disease.
By 2040 the elderly will have pert breasts and stiff ********** but no idea why.

[layback40]

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of isn’t funny.”

I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pre-game show.

[bruggz351]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Darwin . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to Darwin , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Darwin all my life. It’s not as bad**as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a beer truck.”

**



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[layback40]

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” “I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he said. “I’ve never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Equations are the devil’s sentences.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

[layback40]

Hey guys! This is an urgent shout-out! A friend of mine has a ticket for the England v Sri Lanka match at Lords on June 11th. When he bought the ticket, he didn't realise that the match is on the same day as his wedding, and he's now urgently looking for someone to go in his place. The church is in Wimbledon, the bride's name is Vanessa, and everything is already paid for. All you have to do is turn up and say, "I do!"

[boxheadmr]

A truck driver goes on a date with a girl.
Afterwards they go back to her parents place.
They were just beginning to have sex on the couch.
When he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.
Before he could turn around her father said,
"If you are a real truck driver, you'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!..

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