How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Went on holiday last week.
As I laid on the beach being massaged by a beautiful woman I looked at my wife and said,"This is the life,isn't it?"
She just completely ignored me.
"Isn't it?" I asked again.
She continued to ignore me.
"Oh ******** off then," I said,"I don't know why I even bothered to Skype you."

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My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."
I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."
He said, "Dad, you deliver f@rking pizzas!

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A woman is walking past a pet shop where she notices a sign:
"Good home needed for clitoris-licking frog."
The woman goes inside and says to the shopkeeper,
"I noticed you have a clitoris-licking frog? I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman sneaks out the door and rushes home. She gets home... takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do.
Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
Put on a very sexy nightie.
Get into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE"
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog... So, she showers again... and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, NOTHING.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper it says... If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does. The man behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem". A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did". She does. She showers, puts on the perfume and the Teddy, gets into bed... and puts the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS.
She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!!.

[layback40]

Cattle farmer joke

I was in a queue at the petrol station today
and noticed the bloke's.. right arm in front of me was more browner than the other..... He saw me looking.... so I nodded to his arm and said "taxi driver?" he replied "no... I'm a vet!

[layback40]

Dear Santa,I'm just writing to let you know that I've been naughty and it was worth it you fat judgmental bastard!

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A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife.

Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special.

At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

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Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store!