How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 18 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years and watch the expression on his face!!

[layback40]

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

[layback40]

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"
The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."
"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"
The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"
The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

[bruggz351]

Originally Posted by layback40

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"
The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."
"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"
The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"
The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

HAHAHA...

Why did I just imagine him taking a sidestep towards the other two, wearing a sombrero, when he said that? HAHA....

[layback40]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in Cardiff!
The band was called "Bomb Jovi".
I thought they were brilliant. They did songs like “Losing my head over you”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re 6 You’re beautiful, and you’re mine”
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the fight started...

[layback40]

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f##k the cat!!..

[layback40]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Coles with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Coles. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't, you f##king idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you f##king dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"