How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Two Irishmen were looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Mick will ye look at all these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "Oi'm ordering one right now"

Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick, “But it shouldn't be too long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

[layback40]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre that
evening
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted
back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!
. .............She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden
again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening

[layback40]

Albert was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell Albert the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Albert just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later Albert came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."

[layback40]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”.
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”
“SHIT” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens‘ Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[layback40]

Priest and Nun on a camel in the Sahara desert. The camel drops dead leaving them doomed , realising their fate the priest asks the nun to expose her tits and she agrees providing he exposes his cock they fondle each other and the priest gets an erection .
Priest says , ' You know if i put this in the right place i can create life '
' Right ' said the Nun ' stick it up the camels arse and lets get the ******** out of here! ' .

[layback40]

A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot, police arrest 20 and they end up in court, best man says to judge "Can i explain wot happened, it's traveller tradition for the best man to have first dance with the bride which i did. I was dancin very close. The groom runs at us and kicked his bride in the fanny!" "Gosh" says the judge, "That musta been sore." "Sore?, he broke 3 of my f##king fingers!"

[layback40]

The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Xmas....
12 cans of carling,
11 DNA tests,
10 dads to choose from,
9 teeth between them,
8 squeezed in tracksuits,
7 stinking smackrats,
6 Dunlop trainers,
5 stolen rings,
4 fat slags,
3 ugly twats,
2 timing ********s,
and a wanker who parades them on tv!!