How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p#ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
Empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

[layback40]

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:



1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you. (I expect they think you’ve been hunting!)


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.



3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor. (like they do, but don’t step in it!)



4. Dogs' parents never visit.



5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.



7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.



8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.




9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"



10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.




11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.




13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.




14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.




15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.




And last, but not least:



16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.



To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

[layback40]

think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.


A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA

[RED_TJ]

Al Qaeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after this death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, “We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Representatives for the union in, Essex, Glasgow and also in Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has largely been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
(British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM)

[layback40]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an aussie in his early sixties (now you can guess what member on here that is) and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..”
“This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the aussie and asks, "Can you do better than that?"

The aussie replies, "No worries mate, just get that lion out of there."

[pwy]

In the heavenly abode, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the 7th day. Michael enquired, "Where have you been, God?" God smiled deeply and pointed down through the clouds. "Look Michael what I have made?"

Archangel Michael look puzzled and said .. "What is it?" "It is a planet and I have put life on it" said God. "I am goling to call it EARTH and it is going to be a place to test BALANCE"

"Balance?" said Michael. "I am confused?"

God explained; "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great oportunity and wealth whilst southern Europe will be poor. Over here I have placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of blacks. ...balance in all things! "

Michael said, "what is that one?" "That is Western Australia the most glorious place on earth. Beautiful gardens, trees, days filled with sunshine. People are handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, sociable, hardworking and high achievers."

Michael gasped in wonder and said 'what about balance, God?"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra, wait till you see the idiots I put there ????"

[pwy]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm stalking her. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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If you are looking for a job…go to a place called Jeopardy. Read in the paper yesterday that there are over 800 jobs in Jeopardy.
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You have been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."