How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Don't forget it's my mother's big party on Saturday?" said the wife.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but my boss won't let me have the time off now," I replied.
"But you're self employed!"
"I know, what a c#nt I am!"

[layback40]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."
"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."
I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane.

[layback40]

I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice. To be honest, I haven't seen the f##king thing shut yet.

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F##kin Rain hasn't stopped all day....
Need an Ark built ?????
I Noah guy.

[layback40]

The Trouser snake is the worlds most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5-6 inches ( although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of its owner), It appears usually in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area. Its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months. Some mutant species are known to attack men from behind.

[layback40]

My new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[layback40]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthly slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!