How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!!..

[layback40]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: “What happened?
“Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.
“Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.
“Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.
I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps.

[layback40]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[layback40]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous
he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he
had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass,
he found the following note on the door:
1.Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late
J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit
out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and was
knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was
stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the “Big
T.”
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the last
supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is
my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12.The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with
the Cherry”.
13.The recommended grace before a meal is
not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,
Yeah God!!..

[layback40]

An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog.
Upon reaching the check-out, the clerk told her: "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves.
We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."
Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.
The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food.
Again, she's reproached by the cashier: "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."
Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.
The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand. "Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk.
"What's in it?" the clerk asked. "Just put your hand in here," the lady said. "No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"
"Nothing will bite you, I promise." Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream.
Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?

[layback40]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!!..

[layback40]

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.