How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there's myrrh.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa's workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? Cari-boo!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
Why are elves such great motivational speakers? They have plenty of elf-confidence.
Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
What did Santa say when he stepped into a big puddle? It must have reindeer.
What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A Pony sleigh station.
What is Santa's dog's name? Santa Paws!
Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
What’s every elf’s favourite type of music? Wrap!
What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.
What do Santa's elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
What do grapes sing at Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jelly.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed.

[layback40]

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."



Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.

Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.

Most of the stuff people worry about isn’t going to happen anyway.

Don’t judge people by their relatives.

Silence is sometimes the best answer.

Don’t interfere with something that isn’t bothering you.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

[layback40]

An Irish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read "Angus McCarty died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read . . .

"Angus McCarty died. Golf clubs for sale."



AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME - There will be no nursing home in my future........When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

A Cruise ship has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience

Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

They will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.



A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Friday
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke." "Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95" The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week. The waitress was dumbfounded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."



Today's wisdom for Seniors

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn.

[layback40]

As asked by Seniors.



Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.



Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish renovating the garage. When you're done, you will have a place to live.



Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 70+-year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.



Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.



Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car



Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.



Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.



Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eyeglasses?

A: On their foreheads.



Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"



What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!



STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'



BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'



SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'



DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'



CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'



MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'



TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'



JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'



This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[layback40]

A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second-floor scaffolding.

Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.

"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.

"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.

"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"



Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle. "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer. "Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. “Why it's Irish whiskey.”! He spluttered.

"Lord bless me." said Paddy, "another bloomin' miracle."

[layback40]

The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Dutton, who owns several car dealerships in Adelaide and Gawler, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Abbott, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will have sex with him.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

[layback40]

If there's ever a 'Day' that deserves to be stuffed in a sack, weighted with stones and tossed into the river, it's Valentine's Day. For some, this unwanted American import is a day of mushy sentimentality, a chance to earn superficial brownie points with one's romantic partner, or simply impress a desired one. For florists, confectioners, and card-sellers, it's a bonanza. But for many – the involuntarily single; those who have loved and lost; the bereaved; and people trapped in marriages and de facto relationships where love has withered and died – it's a day to forget. Besides the businesses that depend on people spending their hard-earned on love tokens, who really needs this mawkish, emotionally manipulative, American excuse to sell stuff?