How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Supplicant - ant which is praying; ant which changes its mind - recusant, etc. Eleanor



So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Always swim or dive with a friend. It reduces your chance of shark attack by 50%.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

And the cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So, he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.

[layback40]

Always swim or dive with a friend. It reduces your chance of shark attack by 50%.
So…if your friend was twice your size would it then reduce the chance of a shark attack by 66%?



At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash at least twice a day.
Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this, a hallmark of all Microsoft products.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
By comparison with Windows, Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, would happily run on old and new types of instructions, and be twice as easy to drive – but because it cost $2 more it would only be used by five percent of the population.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying, and then caution "This action cannot be undone".
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more.
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
Every week at the massive GM plant there would be a designer’s conference to try figure how to make the GM products as good as those coming from the tin shed which produces the American Motors products.
You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off!


From Phil

AN ALTERNATE NURSING HOME?

About 2 years ago Alice and I were on a cruise through the aboard a P&O liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home.

[layback40]

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

You want to know the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.



The young mother sceptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."



12 COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - Style are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop annoying you.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

#6 - On time is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.



We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

[layback40]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?



A very cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."



My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him "I am 62." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask her what colour it was. She would tell me the answer and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At Iast, she headed for the door, saying, " Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself. "

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

[layback40]

British Genius



Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found

themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the

Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their

escape...

Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful

and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also

showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go

for food and shelter.

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when

you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet,

they turn into mush.

Someone in MI-5 (similar to America's OSS) got the idea of printing

escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads,

and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.

At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that

had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John

Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was

only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K Licensee for the

popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and

pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE'

packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of

war.

Under the strictest secrecy in a securely guarded and inaccessible old

workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy

employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of

Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located. When processed,

these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would

actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also

managed to add: 1. A playing token containing a magnetic compass. 2.

A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together. 3. Useful

amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian and French

currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money.

British and American crews were advised, before taking off on their

first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set by means of a

tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing

glitch, located in the corner of the 'Free Parking Square'.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POW'S who successfully escaped, an

estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly

sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since

the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse

in still another future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen

from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured

in a public ceremony.

[layback40]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



Husband to wife ‘Today is a fine day’.

Next day he says: ‘Today is a fine day’.

Again, next day, he says same thing. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband ‘Every day you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?’

Husband: ‘Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you…’



Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – I’d be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper - I could have a new one every day!



Making Friends Outside of Facebook. Currently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook whilst applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell a passer-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do afterwards; I give them pictures of my meals, my partner, family, friends, my cat, my garden, and 'selfies' of when I am pursuing my hobbies such as walking on the beach. I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them that I love them. And wow, it really works. Already I have 3 people following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.



A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” He asks. “I´m having a baby.” She replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” He asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” She says. “Is it a good baby?” He asks, with a puzzled look. “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” The lady replies. Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?

[layback40]

1d
·
🤷**♀️🤷🤷🏻**♂️”i don’t get ppl who travel on Easter weekend....it’s like woohoo a whole extra 48 hours off 😱😱😱 let’s pack everything we own, 17 kids, the canoe, the bbq, pack enough food to feed the whole of a 3rd world nation for a month, the bikes, the dog, 18 fishing rods and Grandma in the 4 tonne LandCruiser we don’t know how to drive.... then we’ll leave early to beat the traffic, ermmmm 10 k out of town no... every other numpty with a BCF membership got the same idea 🙄 oh well nevermind nothing like 9 hours in a traffic jam with screaming bored kids fighting over the DVD player and mashing half chewed lollies on the carpet while singing “Let Her Go!” out of tune for the 19th time...
11.5 hours from home you’ve covered 43.6 kilometres and your cheese is about to slide off your cracker 😤 so you pull into a Service Centre packed with 9753 other equally mental fools, park sideways across 6 spots in the truck section coz you know the Toyota runs on diesel so it’s a ‘truck ‘ isn’t it??
You all pile out of the big lorry ignoring the cold stares from the guy trying to park his 80 foot bdouble for a regulation break, send the kids to line up at Maccas for 57 minutes then still have no fkn clue what they want by the time you reach the server 🤨.... it doesn’t matter what the stinking rugrats order anyway coz 11 minutes later the wrappers are floating across the carpark, the soft serve is on the leather seats and the 9 year old has pickles in her hair and is screaming ‘you’re a poo poo head!” at the 7 year old who refuses to sit forwards or put his seat belt on 👊🏻....
25.8 hours after leaving home you reach the campsite a whole 103 ks away only to discover there’s no spots left within 17 kilometres of the beach or a toilet so you set up camp with the brown snakes 🐍 nowhere near the neighbors who promised to hold a spot for you 🙄🤦🏻**♂️.....
You spend the next day and a half listening to half pissed Shazza’s yelling “JAYDEN!!! Stop hitting your brother!!” and mumbling to your mates around the campfire about ‘serenity’ and ‘the good life’.... 🔥
9am Monday you’re thinking prison food can’t be that bad surely??? If I just bury them deep enough nobody will find them??
You say stuff this I’ll leave early and beat the traffic while visions of the 23 hour journey down here flash through your head 💭🤔
So you pack the whole shebang back into the Pickle mobile along with the wet dog and sunburnt kids whining “weeeere hungreeeeeee!!!” , pull out onto the packed highway, find another Maccas to appease the brats. fill the ‘truck’ at $1.91 a litre and head the hell home with the other 19.3 million nufftys thinkin a bbq at home and a sleep in would have been a good idea!! 🚙💨💨💨💨