How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[layback40]

Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"

"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."

After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'

"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."

"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.

"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her ass."

[layback40]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[layback40]

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

[layback40]

Mick decided to pay his old mate Paddy a visit. "Bejesus Paddy!" Said Mick, greeted by a living room full of chairs, "Where did all these frigging chairs come from?" "Doctors waiting room," beamed Paddy. "Every time I go there the receptionist says, please take a seat."

[layback40]

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

[layback40]

I picked up my Gun License yesterday, so in the afternoon, I went over to
the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9 mm handgun for home/personal
protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip
down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this
time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I reckon they need to make
their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad!