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  #7977  
Old 18-03-2018
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Paddy and Mick find 3 bombs.
Paddy: Let's take them the police
Mick: What happens if one blows up on the way?
Paddy: We will tell them we only found 2
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  #7978  
Old 23-03-2018
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Old but still good

Actual news headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Scotch and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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  #7979  
Old 23-03-2018
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Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a
Pro-stit-ute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
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  #7980  
Old 29-03-2018
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'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little-girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow

that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What did the grape say when it fell on the concrete? Nothing. It just gave a little wine.

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how I can make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all! If anything, you've only delayed my trip further."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"
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  #7981  
Old 04-04-2018
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Getting ready to go to the golf club with his grandfather...the young boy was looking around the boot of the new BMW... What’re these...he asked...pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs...Those are tees...the old man said...You put your balls in them when you drive...shit...the boy said...those BMW people think of everything, don’t they...
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  #7982  
Old 14-04-2018
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A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The country fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the country fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a cheque for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That oughtta be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
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  #7983  
Old 14-04-2018
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I fancied a curry last nite so i phoned " Kings China Buffet' A Chinky Answered and said "Herro I'm Wan King The Cook" I said " no worries", i'll call back
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  #7984  
Old 20-04-2018
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The defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did - but your client didn't!"

KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, 14

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15

"Textas are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9

"A recent economic study revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year."

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
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