How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.

I carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."

He said, "You dirty f##king pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."

I said, "Mate, dress size is important."

[layback40]

Today i found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and i have been banned from the gym

[layback40]

Some African bloke walked into my local pub holding a bucket this afternoon. He handed it to me and said, "Can you fill this up with water?" I said, "******** me, how many miles have you just walked for this?" He said, "None you cheeky ********, I'm the new window cleaner."

[layback40]

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes!!..

[layback40]

I texted my girlfriend when I was at work the other day saying "I'll be home in an hour, I've got a massive boner"
She texted back "What do you mean?"
"I'll fill you in when I get home" I replied!!..

[layback40]

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:'A pumpkin? F@rk ... is it midnight already!!..

[layback40]

A tramp walks into a posh jewellers,pulls down his pants,and starts fingering his arse.The shop assistant shouts,"Get out you dirty ********ing bastard" The tramp is furious,"Make your ********in mind up" and points to a sign in the window that reads"COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!"..