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  #6973  
Old 14-11-2016
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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family.

He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"
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  #6974  
Old 14-11-2016
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the Fuck would they want with a plasterer ??!"
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  #6975  
Old 14-11-2016
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While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your p*nis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my p*nis..!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”
“Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
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  #6976  
Old 14-11-2016
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A woman answers her phone and a pervert breaths have you got a tight hairy ********?

She replies yes he's on the sofa did you want to talk to him
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  #6977  
Old 14-11-2016
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Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."

"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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  #6978  
Old 14-11-2016
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I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?" She said, "Stansted."
"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
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  #6979  
Old 14-11-2016
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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee.
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