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Old 10-07-2015
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Paddy comes home and finds his best mate Mick on top of his wife with his head between her tits.
"What the f^ck are you doing, Mick?" Paddy asked.
"I'm listening to some music," Micks replies.
Paddy then tells Mick to let him have a listen.
Paddy gets on top of his wife, puts his heads between her tits and says, "I can't hear any music!"
Mick says, "Dat's 'cos you're not plugged in!"
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Old 10-07-2015
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My wife was getting ready to go out last night..
"You can't wear that." I said. "I can see your tits under it."
"So you can." She said. "Do I need to wear a bra?"
"Yeah, perhaps." I replied. "Or a longer dress!!..
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Old 10-07-2015
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A bear an a tortoise are walking through the forest one day. When they came across a genie lamp. The bear says. "I'm the biggest an the strongest. So I'll rub the lamp first" so he rubs the lamp first. And poof a genie pops out and says "I'll grant you both 3 wishes" so the bear says" I'm the biggest an the strongest I'll go first " so he wishes.... That all the bears in woods were female.... The genie grants the wish. Then the tortoise wishes for a motor bike. The genie understanding that a tortoise is slow he gets his motorbike. The bear has his second wish... An wishes for all the bears in the country were female. So the genie grants the wish. So the tortoise has his second wish...
An wishes for a helmet for his motorbike. The genie grants his wish. The bear then has his 3rd an final wish.... An wishes for all the bears in the world too be female. The genie grants his wish an all the bears are female. Now it's the tortoises last wishes.... An he says "wish this bear here was gay" then jumped on his bike an f^cked off..
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Old 10-07-2015
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Old 10-07-2015
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I pulled a fit bird at the pub last night and took her back to my place. I was sure that when she saw my flash car in the driveway and 47 inch TV her knickers would be off in an instant, but instead she walked out.
She said she didn't want to date a guy who's clearly on benefits!!..
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  #4006  
Old 10-07-2015
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Every woman's magazine:
Page 8: Accept yourself for who you are
Page 15: How to lose 2 stone in a week
Page 16: Best cake recipe.
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Old 10-07-2015
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I"ve told a donkey to f^ck off."
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Old 10-07-2015
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My wife's been carrying our first son for 9 months.
She's not pregnant, he's just a lazy little bastard..
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