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  #46  
Old 11-02-2012
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Layback.

My son is a Qantas pilot and never tells me these stories. Tells me many though that are just unreal and in real life. Not like this one below though.

I got one for ya.

A Qantas flight is departing Sydney for Singapore. QF319. A young beautiful blonde is booked into an economy seat but sits in a first class vacant seat.

The biscuit chucker (as we used to call them,don't call them that in the air though as they won't feed you) flight attendant asks the young lady to move back to her economy seat.

The blonde replies that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant.

This seat is available and I am going to Singapore first class.

The biscuit chucker get's pretty pissed off by this as this blonde will not move out of the seat so goes up to the cockpit to see the captain.

"Captain, I have a passenger who has an economy class ticket for 26B and she is sitting in first class in 4A and will not move, She says that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant."

The Captain says to the biscuit chucker that this is not a problem at all and he will sort it out.

This stuns the biscuit chucker.

The Captain is married to a blonde,he speaks blonde and understands the situation. He can sort it out no problem.

As the aircraft is before pushback and still boarding (the co-pilot is handling the cockpit tasks) the great dignified Captain goes back to the blonde in 4A,sits next to her and has a little whisper in her ear for about 2 minutes.

The blonde after this little chat gets up and walks down the aisle to 26B seat.

The biscuit chucker is just stunned as she has tried everything in all her years of experience to get this lady to go to her booked seat.

She says to the Captain " How the hell did you get her to go back to her seat after all I have tried with my years at Qantas as being a flight attendant bending and accomodating every wish and need to the pasengers?"

The Captain replied.

"I just simply told her that first class is not going to Singapore"
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Last edited by rastus2571; 11-02-2012 at 07:14 PM.
  #47  
Old 11-02-2012
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This older guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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  #48  
Old 11-02-2012
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Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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  #49  
Old 11-02-2012
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This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but

the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked

on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny
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  #50  
Old 11-02-2012
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The "Here After"
A young AJOR member (probably late teens) is out with a new girl.
After an interesting dinner (Macca's), they go for a drive up in the hills in his classic XJ.
In a nice secluded spot it stalls, he suggests they give the car a rest & have a chat.
After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, she advises that she is a strict Christian. She gets a Bible out of her hand bag & starts to quote all sorts of stuff.
You can imagine what this does for his ego!
After a while he manages to get a few words in & asks her what she understands about the "Here After"
She replies by quoting John & Peter & all sorts of stuff, all the while he sits there shaking his head.
Eventually out of frustration she says to him "Well what do you mean by the Here After"
He replies" Its quite simple really; If your not Here After the same thing that I am Here After, you will be Here After I leave" ............
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  #51  
Old 11-02-2012
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On fire layback40.......Lol.......... Hard to keep-up..........
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  #52  
Old 11-02-2012
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The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting 4WD's banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department
of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
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  #53  
Old 11-02-2012
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Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."
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  #54  
Old 11-02-2012
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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck, only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'
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