How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

paddy wins 9m on the lottery. camelot say due to the credit crunch "were runnin low on funds can we give you £3m this week £3m nxt wk and £3m next month" paddy says "look if ur gonna ******** me about just give me my pound back"

[layback40]

A real woman is a mans best friend.She will never stand him up& never let him down.She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could,she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires,she will make him feel confident & sexy,seductive & invincible...No wait....I'm thinking of beer,it's f@rking beer that does that!

[layback40]

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas." sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, father. Just a little gas."
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart!!..

[layback40]

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

[layback40]

My penis is a lot like my toaster.

It won't pop up if the crumpet is too fat

[layback40]

There was a court preceding. A man was bing prosecuted for double murder.

The judge said
'you are charged of beating your wife to death with a hammer'

Someone in the court shouted 'your bastard!'

The judge continued
'you are also charged with killing your mother-in-law'

The same person in the court shouted again,
'you dirty bastard!'

The judge look at the man shouting at said, 'sir, one more outburst and I will hold you in contempt'

The man replied, 'Im sorry your honour, but I've been his neighbour for 20 years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he doesn't have one!'

[layback40]

A bloke in the street just stopped me and said
"Jesus loves you"
I said
"I'm sure he does but it's the age gap that worries me!!..