How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Costco doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ********** sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[layback40]

The Arrogance of Authority



A Fed police officer stopped at a farm in QLD, and talked with an old farmer.


He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."


The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The Fed officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"


Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.


"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....
On any land !!


No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw
the Fed officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of
his lungs.....



"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[layback40]

See if i got this right!!!

If you cross the north korean border

illegally you get 12 years hard labor.


If you cross the iranian border

illegally you are detained indefinitely.






If you cross the afghan border

illegally, you get shot.






If you cross the saudi arabian border

illegally you will be jailed.





If you cross the chinese border

illegally you may never be heard from again..






If you cross the venezuelan border

illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.





If you cross the cuban border illegally

you will be thrown into political prison to rot.






If you sail illegally into australia you get !!!

A job,
a drivers license,
social security card,
welfare,
credit cards,

subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,

free education,

free health care,
billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

the right to carry your country's flag while you

protest that you don't get enough respect

and,
in many instances,

you can vote.

[SteveT]

Originally Posted by layback40

See if i got this right!!!

If you cross the north korean border

illegally you get 12 years hard labor.


If you cross the iranian border

illegally you are detained indefinitely.






If you cross the afghan border

illegally, you get shot.






If you cross the saudi arabian border

illegally you will be jailed.





If you cross the chinese border

illegally you may never be heard from again..






If you cross the venezuelan border

illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.





If you cross the cuban border illegally

you will be thrown into political prison to rot.






If you sail illegally into australia you get !!!

A job,
a drivers license,
social security card,
welfare,
credit cards,

subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,

free education,

free health care,
billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

the right to carry your country's flag while you

protest that you don't get enough respect

and,
in many instances,

you can vote.

Yep,
The most prized border to cross on this earth...... Lifetime care.... Even in the land of the free, you would only get six months aide to get going along & have to stand on your own feet after that as they say.....................

[bruggz351]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you're my kid!"

[layback40]

An aboriginal’s son asks his dad, "Dad, what's Democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"

"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

[layback40]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'