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  #6952  
Old 11-11-2016
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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.



Dr Young: "Dr Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me?

Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr Young’s mouth."

Dr Young: ‘Aaargh !! this is petrol!’

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh no you don't, that is petrol!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see!”

Dr Geezer: "Hmm, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back."

Dr Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer!



Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a ripe tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.



Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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  #6953  
Old 11-11-2016
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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank . . . the dwarf."
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  #6954  
Old 11-11-2016
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A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door last night, I asked her in, sat her down and said "Right, what do you want to talk about?" She replied "Fuck knows, I've never got this far before!"..
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  #6955  
Old 12-11-2016
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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman In a brand new VW !! You know, a VW with rigged emissions!
Doing 75mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don ' t scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand. In all
The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against
The steering wheel, it knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned
Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS..
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  #6956  
Old 13-11-2016
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A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns, "It is not polite".

"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"

"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."

Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions , honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend

"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it."

Later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old
you are . You are 32".

The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"

"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".

"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"

"Because you got an 'F' in sex".

Mother fainted.
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  #6957  
Old 13-11-2016
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I got into an argument with a bloke in a pub last night. I instantly remembered what my dad said to me when I was young, "never hit a man wearing glasses!" I'll never take my dad's advice ever again. I took my glasses off, couldn't see, and missed the fucking blokes head completely.
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  #6958  
Old 13-11-2016
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I entered my wife into a saggy tits competition with 10 other women and she wiped the floor with them...
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