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  #81  
Old 12-02-2012
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Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
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  #82  
Old 12-02-2012
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Default Rindercella

Many years ago..in a former life..I used to go to the "hot rod" races in Seymour, Vic, and one of the race callers there used to recite that Rindercella ditty during gaps in the races. His voice was totally deadpan and he could do it fairly quickly and never stumbled on a word. Very entertaining and I never got sick of hearing him do it.
  #83  
Old 12-02-2012
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS





Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..



There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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  #84  
Old 12-02-2012
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1+2 = 3



Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying..

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card... He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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  #85  
Old 12-02-2012
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HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally ! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation ! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..


Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.


Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labor Party: Scientists prove Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.


Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.


Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 percent.


Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18


Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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  #86  
Old 12-02-2012
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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  #87  
Old 12-02-2012
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Senior Health Care...

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you.

What's an old fogey do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed four attempts to shoot at a politician.

Of course, this means you will be arrested and sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem.

Need glasses? That's great.

Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?

It's the same government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?
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  #88  
Old 12-02-2012
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IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG ...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of the harassing phone calls about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Kevin07 tee shirts, four Greens wearing Bob Brown tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
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