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  #10  
Old 08-02-2012
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  #11  
Old 08-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anthonygubbin View Post
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that
their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australias Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely fu ** -all.

Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone
wireless."...

makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Top of the Pop's A.G.................... Great one.............
  #12  
Old 08-02-2012
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Gr8 boff ov em... jus wot we needed for humpday
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  #13  
Old 09-02-2012
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WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional w@nker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bl##dy like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne,
whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable' ... At least
that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bl##dy cold
and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with suga.
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their
speedos up their cr@cks to keep the left and right sides of their
brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the
track caused the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them
still work there in the Government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,
Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest
beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .

And there's Queensland ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day
and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dick-heads remains a
mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're
whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be
right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our
national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who
commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. We're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball,
rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian
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  #14  
Old 09-02-2012
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'
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  #15  
Old 09-02-2012
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No sorrie's,
I am liking this stuff!!.............
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  #16  
Old 09-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveT View Post
No sorrie's,
I am liking this stuff!!.............
Steve,
laughter can sometimes be the best medicine!!!
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  #17  
Old 09-02-2012
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The electric fence and the lawn mower



If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 260 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a diesel battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still..

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of January, 44 degrees C, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Last edited by layback40; 09-02-2012 at 11:48 AM.
  #18  
Old 09-02-2012
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Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ So I did....she's 21, and her name's Lucy!


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of red heads, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him “Dandenong.”

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well, since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
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