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  #3969  
Old 09-07-2015
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The guys were all in deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,because he snored so bad.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
They said,"Man,what happened to you? He said,'Bob snored so loudly,I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning same thing-hair all standing up,eyes all bloodshot.
They said,"Man,what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said,"Man,that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."
The third night was Pete's turn.Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning",he said.
They couldn't believe it! they said, "Man,what happened?
He said, "Well,we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt,and kissed him goodnight.
Bob covered himself and watched me all night."
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  #3970  
Old 09-07-2015
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Paddy and Mick are in jail. Mick looks through the bars of Paddy's cell to see him hanging by his feet.
Mick: Paddy, what are you doing?
Paddy : I'm trying to hang myself.
Mick: Surely the rope should be around your neck Paddy?
Paddy: I tried that Mick, but I couldn't breathe!!..
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  #3971  
Old 09-07-2015
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Only the Aussies would understand this....
Queensland Police Service
Police are considering opening an investigation into the current whereabouts of the NSW ‪#‎Origin‬ team!..
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  #3972  
Old 09-07-2015
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I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey! Don't you know how to use your f#cking mirrors?"
"Yes, of course I do!" she snapped
I replied, "Well, try using one to put some make-up on before you go out in public, you ugly ********!"...
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  #3973  
Old 09-07-2015
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A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall.
He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape should use that door.
Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through.
However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face.
He has not moved at all.
The doctor thinks he must be cured.
He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key!!..
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  #3974  
Old 09-07-2015
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Based on statics,the most common sexual position amongst married couples,is doggy style...This is where the husband sits and begs,while the wife rolls over and plays dead!!
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  #3975  
Old 09-07-2015
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
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  #3976  
Old 09-07-2015
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Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with his mistress naked in bed. As he was kissing her red, red lips, he stopped.
"To kiss your red lips, I need red wine." So he poured red wine over her lips and continued to kiss her. He moved on to her white, white breasts.
"To kiss your white breasts, I need white wine." So he poured white wine over her breasts and continued to kiss them. He then moved on to her bush. He poured brandy all over it and set it alight.
"Louis!" she screamed. "What are you doing?"
"Baby," he said, "when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!..
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