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  #451  
Old 26-08-2012
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.... I'm a rabbit in Mildura.”
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  #452  
Old 26-08-2012
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Just imagine...



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,

you would have $49.00 today!


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,

you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes one damned proud to be an Aussie!
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  #453  
Old 26-08-2012
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Four old retired blokes are walking down a street. They turned a corner and see a sign that says,
'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 50p. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room. 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?


There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 50p each please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the £2, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's £2, please..'
They pay the £2, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a fiver..

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 50p each?'
'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for £30 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 50p - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the Caravan Park down the road, they're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price!'
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  #454  
Old 26-08-2012
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Just like a woman, EH!







Morris returns from the doctor

and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he

has only 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.


Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.


About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one
more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death,

tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we
could...'


At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.

I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
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  #455  
Old 28-08-2012
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"”

Maria: "“Well, Seρora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you".”

Wife: "“Who said you iron better than me?'”

Maria: “"Jor huzban he say so".”

Wife: “"Oh yeah?”"

Maria: “"The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you".”

Wife: “"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"”

Maria: “"Jor hozban did".

Wife increasingly agitated: “"Oh he did, did he?"”

Maria: “"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed".”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “"And did my husband say that as well?"”

Maria: “"No Seρora… The gardener did".”

Wife: “"So how much do you want?"”
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  #456  
Old 28-08-2012
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Paddy goes into a Dublin florist shop and says
>
> "Good afternoon, I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend please.
>
> The florist looks at him and replies,
>
> "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?"
>
> "A f##k" says Paddy.
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  #457  
Old 28-08-2012
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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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  #458  
Old 30-08-2012
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After over 16,000 views in under 7 months, its clear that every one likes a joke thread.
To help out the new AusChrysler site, all new jokes will be posted over there on that sites joke thread.
So please take a look at ;

http://www.auschrysler.com/forums/showthread.php?p=598#

While you are there, please take a look around, sign up & let every one know anything you wish to post over there.
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  #459  
Old 31-08-2012
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Big Gay Jase goes to see his Dr to get his test results. Dr says, "Sorry Big Gay Jase but you've got Aids!" Big Gay Jase is devastated & asks what to do. Dr says," Go home and eat a sausage, a cabbage, 20 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, a tin of baked beans, a box of All Bran & a gallon of prune juice." Big Gay Jase asks, "Will this cure me?" B says, "No,but it'll give you a better understanding of what your arse is for."
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