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  #401  
Old 23-08-2012
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Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground; took off all her clothes; and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." .......... [dramatic pause]
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."



The group fell silent for a moment.


The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.



A few years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly unsolvable problem they were experiencing with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to no avail. In desperation, they called the retired engineer, who had solved so many of their problems in the past, begging him to help them out with this difficult situation.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent 1day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."


The defective part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly to everyone's relief.


The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark - $1.00. Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00."


It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered discussing the possible designers of the human body.


One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:


Normal people believe that: "...if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
The others: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?"


The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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  #402  
Old 24-08-2012
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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

[]

Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Old 24-08-2012
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An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer
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  #404  
Old 24-08-2012
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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Old 24-08-2012
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The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving
milk.
The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy
Woy in N.S.W, , for $200.
They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the
people were pleased & very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Woy Woy."
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  #406  
Old 24-08-2012
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Two old men decide they are close to their last days
and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

[] []

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first
two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting
two of my girls on them. They won't know
the difference."

the manager does as he is told and the two old
men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you
know, i think my girl was dead!"

"dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"

"well, she never moved or made a sound all the
time i was loving her."

his friend says, "could be worse i think mine was
a witch."

"a witch ??. . . Why the hell would you say that?"

"well, i was making love to her, kissing her on
the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she
farted and flew out the window... Taking my
teeth with her."
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Old 24-08-2012
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax.

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole .'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well , asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.
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  #408  
Old 24-08-2012
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THESE ARE THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE
BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND
STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday,
Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that
you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with
it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might
find out. Try to do so without any coaching!











THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:
1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
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