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  #65  
Old 12-02-2012
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A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.



"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".



"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.



The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"



Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."



"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.



"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"



"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes."
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  #66  
Old 12-02-2012
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An Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy *****!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
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  #67  
Old 12-02-2012
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Just so you all understand !!!

You know you're an Aussie if..........



* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.



* You think it was normal to have a leader called Kevin.





* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal,



such as watering the garden.





* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.





* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.





* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.









* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.





* You call your best friend 'a total b@stard' but someone you really, truly despise is 'a bit of a b@stard'.





* You think 'Yackandandah' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.





* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.





* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.





* You instinctively understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'



but that 'Woy Woy' can't ever be called 'Woy'.





* You believe that salty Yeast Extract makes a good breakfast spread.. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms..





* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,



at which point they again become Kiwis.





* You expect beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course!

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any



rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again', and "Living next door to Alice".





* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.





* You wear ugg boots outside the house.





* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian, but then sold off for a pittance.





* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.





* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.





* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,
While 'scuse me' is always polite.





* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.





* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.



* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.



* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.



* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.



* When working at a bar, you understand that

male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.



* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in ''-o'':



arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.



* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.



* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *****. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.



* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.



* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet

- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.



* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man.

And the women make the Salad.



* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.



* You understand what no wucking furries means.



* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.



* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.



* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.



* You know that some people pronounce
Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.




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  #68  
Old 12-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bgbazz View Post
Rastus mate,

that should be...holding a VB in one hand, a pie in the other and stoking the fire with his.....
Hang on that's multi tasking. Us blokes can't do that.
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  #69  
Old 12-02-2012
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Layback, Where the hell are you getting all these jokes from?


Your on a massive roll.
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  #70  
Old 12-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rastus2571 View Post
Layback, Where the hell are you getting all these jokes from?


Your on a massive roll.
I have around 100 people on my email friends list. I get about 20 joke emails a day. Some I pass on the remainder I delete.
I have probably got about 10,000 joke emails stored in various files.
Pity power points cant be posted on here!! i have some good ones.

I am glad that members are getting a laugh.
If any one is offended by any, please PM me & I will delete it !! Or better still just block me & then you will not see them.

I just have to work out what one kj69 got rid of so I dont post it again !!
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Last edited by layback40; 12-02-2012 at 06:05 PM.
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  #71  
Old 12-02-2012
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Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to cl ean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
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  #72  
Old 12-02-2012
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A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. ------ Moral: Never lie to your Mama
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