How tuff are Aussie blokes? - Page 945 - AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand


Go Back   AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand > GENERAL > Off Topic Chitchat


Portal Register Forums Trading Your Jeep New Garage Mark All Read

Post New Thread  Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #7553  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

Guy walked into the doctors surgery with a Golf Ball wedged firmly up his rectum. The doctor examined him and said "Its up a Fairway!" Guy said don't you start Doc!"..
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
  #7554  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

I said to my four-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
", if you even think about going out to that fuckin pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
"That's my boy."..
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
  #7555  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (2)
  #7556  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "Push."
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
Sponsored Posts
  #7557  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
  #7558  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

Paddy asked his wife what she want's for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a black iPad."
So he punched her.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
Sponsored Posts
  #7559  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.
Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No... well that's how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor....that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
  #7560  
Old 19-05-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,102
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,528
Liked 6,047 Times in 3,989 Posts
Default

Subject: a guide for shed mechanics.

Drill press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal pieces out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings it across the shed, smashing into the side of your car.

Wire wheel: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingertips.

Electric hand drill: Normally used for spinning pop-rivets in their holes until you die from old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Vice-grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.

Oxy-acetylene torch: Used mostly/entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire.

Lead light: The home mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of vitamin d, 'the sunshine vitamin', which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 100 watt light globes at about the same rate as machine gun bullets. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, open old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Philips screw heads.

Straight screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Pry bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially good for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the hands.

F-tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'f****t’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.



I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.



IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... Amen"
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Post New Thread  Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On


» Advertisements_AS2




Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3



All times are GMT +10. The time now is 03:30 PM.




AJOR does not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the contents of any message. The messages express the views of the author of the message, not necessarily the views of AJOR or any entity associated with AJOR, nor should any advice be substituted as technical advice replacing that of a mechanic. You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use AJOR to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, religious, political or otherwise violative of any law. You agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by AJOR. The owner, administrators and moderators of AJOR reserve the right to delete any message or members for any or no reason whatsoever. You remain solely responsible for the content of your messages, and you agree to indemnify and hold harmless AJOR, the administrators, moderators, and their agents with respect to any claim based upon transmission of your message(s). The use of profile signatures to intentionally mislead or misdirect any member on this forum is not acceptable and may result in your account being suspended. Any trip that is organised through the AJOR forum is participated at your own risk. If you or your vehicle is damaged it is your responsibility, not that of the person that posted the thread, message or topic initiating the trip, nor the organisers of AJOR or moderators of any specific forum. This forum and associated website is the property of AJOR.





Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

AJOR © 2002 - 2018 AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM. All corporate trademarked names and logos are property of their respective owners. Ausjeepoffroad is in no way associated with DaimlerChrysler Corporation or Fiat Jeep.
www.midlifemate.com wayalife.com jkwrangler.com ausjeepforum.com jk-forum.com canadianjeepoffroad.com cryptoprofitcalculator.net
vB Ad Management by =RedTyger=