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  #7889  
Old 14-09-2017
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I arrived late for work this morning. My boss said, "Why are you late, Rude?" I said, "I saw my mother in laws car at the side of the road with 2 flat tires." He said, "And?" I said, "I had to drive by 13 times before she noticed me laughing at her."
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Old 14-09-2017
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"Mum dads got his dick in the biscuit tin"
"Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers"
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  #7891  
Old 14-09-2017
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2 blonde girls are walking through a forest when they come across some tracks, one thought it was deer track and the other thought is was rabbit tracks, they where still arguing when the train hit them!!..🤔
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  #7892  
Old 14-09-2017
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I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to shagging...
As I stripped off I said to her: "You must have seen a few ********** where you work?
how do you rate mine?"
She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most i see."
I said: " ahhh Thanks babe, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"
"I'm a Midwife." she says!!..
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Old 14-09-2017
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A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
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  #7894  
Old 14-09-2017
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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning
strikes, he slides underneath our bed."
The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with the
woman next door...
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  #7895  
Old 14-09-2017
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, Iíd love to have sex with an older man.
Letís go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while Iím sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet.
But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing. Once itís all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while youíre sleeping?"
Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
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  #7896  
Old 14-09-2017
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"This is all your fault!" My wife moaned this morning.
"Fucking hell, what have I done now?" I asked her.
"Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woke up."
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