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  #7921  
Old 27-10-2017
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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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  #7922  
Old 27-10-2017
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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

“Fellas! My secret part is so big that I’ll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can’t take.”

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her secret part.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises.

“Is someone else in here?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’ve been in here for a week,” the voice says.

“Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here,” the cowboy says.

“Hell,” says the other man, “help me find my keys and we can drive out.”
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  #7923  
Old 01-11-2017
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It has just been brought to my attention that Halloween and Christmas Day are the same day.

31oct=25dec.
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  #7924  
Old 03-11-2017
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How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.



The Revenant (2015), Starring Leonardo DiCaprio. An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar.

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.



What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.



Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.



New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things

• Couch = People Shelf

• Books = Manual Films

• Bracelets = Clockless Watches

• Air Horn = Spray Scream

• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood

• Feather = Bird Leaf
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  #7925  
Old 03-11-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by layback40 View Post

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.
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  #7926  
Old 04-11-2017
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WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old WALNUT tree just inside the cemetery fence.


One day, two boys, Jerry and Stuey filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.


"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said Jerry.


Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy, Max, came riding along the road on his bicycle.


As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.


He slowed down to investigate.


Sure enough, Max heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."


He just knew what it was.


He jumped back on his bike and rode off.


Just around the bend he met old man Bill Collins, with a cane, hobbling along.


"Come here quick," said Max almost out of breath, "....you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"


Old Bill said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"


When Max insisted though, Bill hobbled slowly to the cemetery.


Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me."


The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.


Old Bill and Max gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.. That’s all...now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."


They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him ..
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  #7927  
Old 06-11-2017
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.
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  #7928  
Old 07-11-2017
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A burglar breaks into the house at night, a minute later a voice says, Jesus is watching you, the burglar turns around, see's nobody and goes back to what he was doing, 5 minutes later, a voice says, Jesus is watching you, the burglar turns around and see's a bird cage with a parrot in it.

He goes up to the cage, looks at the parrot and says, Did you say some-thing? The parrot looks at him and says, Jesus is watching you. The burglar takes this in and says, What's your name? The parrot looks at him and says, Moses.

The burglar thinks and says to the parrot, What kind of idiot, calls a parrot Moses? The parrot looks at him and says,
Probably the same idiot who calls a Rottweiler, Jesus.
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