How tuff are Aussie blokes? - Page 992 - AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand


Go Back   AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand > GENERAL > Off Topic Chitchat


Portal Register Forums Trading Your Jeep New Garage Mark All Read

Post New Thread  Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #7929  
Old 15-11-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Equations are the devil’s sentences.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.

When in doubt, look intelligent.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
  #7930  
Old 16-11-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your front gardens please can you avoid anything red or blue & flashing?

Every time I drive past, I think it's the police & have a mild panic attack.

I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Kraken Rum, swallow my joint, & shove the gun under the seat.
It's a major drama.
I really appreciate your cooperation & understanding.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
  #7931  
Old 17-11-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

Planet Earth.

Earth isn't round, it's almost a sphere. Centrifugal force pushes outwards at Earth's equator giving it a slight waistline.
If you could separate the Earth out into piles of material, you’d get 32.1 % iron, 30.1% oxygen, 15.1% silicon, and 13.9% magnesium.
When astronauts first went into the space, they looked back and based on their observations, the Earth acquired the nickname the "Blue Planet" (70% of the earth's surface is covered in water, and humans have only explored 5 percent of it). Earth doesn't take 24 hours to rotate, it actually takes 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds for the Earth to rotate once completely on its axis, which astronomers refer to as a Sidereal Day.
Standing on that equator you would be spinning around Earth's centre at 1000 miles per hour. At the poles, however, you would be standing still (and turning in a circle)
Gravity is not distributed equally. Yes, you read that right. Places like Hudson Bay in Canada have less gravity than other regions of the globe. This is due to the fact that there is less land mass in that part of the planet thanks both to retreating glaciers on the surface and swirling magma deep in the core.
Although earthquakes are no fun, they are not the only quakes that affect the earth. Moon quakes can actually make a difference in the tides.
Constructed from millions of tiny polyps, coral reefs are the largest living structures on Earth, and contain the highest density of life on the planet, even more than rainforests.
Just to leave you with some parting food for thought, the pacific basin contains half of the free water on Earth and could hold all the world's continents.
And one more thing. The largest single living thing (apart from reefs constructed of multiple polyps) was a mushroom fungus in Oregon that grew to 2,200 acres.

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”



Scene: Horseback-riding stable.

Mum: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.

Me: Our horses are very sweet …

Mum: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!

Me: Um … that’s a goat.



Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”



I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”

The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt Gary Toohard.



A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my co-worker asked.

“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”



Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:

• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work, probably

• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts

• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman



When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?”

Her answer: “What’s the difference?”
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
  #7932  
Old 01-12-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

Questions to ponder

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'pants' plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



A selection from Adrian…

Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill? He ran out of juice

What's the richest country in the world? Ireland, because its capital is always Dublin

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm

William Shakespeare went into a pub the barman took one look at him and said - 'You're bard'



First man: How many people work in your office?

Second man: About half of them



What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

Apparently one in three people cheat. I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

There are 3 types of people in the world... Those who can count and those that can't.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic… But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic. It’s soda pressing

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day. Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it... That's just how I roll.

Want to hear a good pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!?

What washes up on tiny beaches? Micro waves.

My friend placed a colour bomb in my chair...It blue me away.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree. He's wanted dead and alive. Reports are the police have him boxed in.



Things that are better left unsaid:

1)

2)

3)



A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

How do cows go from one town to another? They cowmute.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Sponsored Posts
  #7933  
Old 08-12-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of isn’t funny.”

I spent four years at university. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I did a double degree in psychology and reverse psychology.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change occasionally, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
  #7934  
Old 12-12-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

A Vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.
To break the ice, the vicar offers round his Bag of "Werther's Originals" and then asks, "So, what do all you young Ladies do"..???
"We do Christmas Panto. We're currently starring in "Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.
"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take"..?? says the Vicar.
The First Lady says, "I take the part of the Cat."
The Second Lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."
"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick"..???
"Well, I Do ... " says the Third Girl, " ...
but it'll cost you a lot more than a fuckin' "Werther's Original"...!
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Likes: (1)
Sponsored Posts
  #7935  
Old 13-12-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
  #7936  
Old 13-12-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,096
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 3,525
Liked 6,045 Times in 3,987 Posts
Default

Two middle-aged women, Gladys and Mable, are chatting.
"Mable, do you think as you get older your fanny actually gets looser?"
"Ooh I don't know." replied Mable. "I had sex with my Henry last
night and, to be honest, I felt like the outside of a sausage roll!"
Gladys looked unconvinced.
"Have you tried looking at it?" asked Mable.
"Look at it? I don't know, I mean I'm putting the beef on at my
age." said Gladys patting her middle-aged pot-belly.
"Here's what you do," confided Mable. "Take a mirror from off of
the wall and lay it on the floor, then stand astride it and you'll
get a good look at your ********."
"Hey, that's a good idea!" said Gladys, and trotted off home to try
it out.
At home, Gladys is standing in the bathroom, mirror on floor and
legs akimbo, peering at her ******** in the mirror's reflection. Her
husband is walking past the doorway when he spots what's going on.
He charges into the bathroom and shoves Gladys hard against the wall.
"Ooh George! You fucking bastard!! You could have broke my bloody
arm then!!" she whined.
"You ungrateful cow!" George retorted. "If you'd have fallen down
that hole you'd have broken your fucking back!!"
__________________
98 & 01 XJ VMs
I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort. 10'000 Club
Post New Thread  Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On


» Advertisements_AS2




Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3



All times are GMT +10. The time now is 03:35 AM.




AJOR does not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the contents of any message. The messages express the views of the author of the message, not necessarily the views of AJOR or any entity associated with AJOR, nor should any advice be substituted as technical advice replacing that of a mechanic. You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use AJOR to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, religious, political or otherwise violative of any law. You agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by AJOR. The owner, administrators and moderators of AJOR reserve the right to delete any message or members for any or no reason whatsoever. You remain solely responsible for the content of your messages, and you agree to indemnify and hold harmless AJOR, the administrators, moderators, and their agents with respect to any claim based upon transmission of your message(s). The use of profile signatures to intentionally mislead or misdirect any member on this forum is not acceptable and may result in your account being suspended. Any trip that is organised through the AJOR forum is participated at your own risk. If you or your vehicle is damaged it is your responsibility, not that of the person that posted the thread, message or topic initiating the trip, nor the organisers of AJOR or moderators of any specific forum. This forum and associated website is the property of AJOR.





Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

AJOR © 2002 - 2018 AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM. All corporate trademarked names and logos are property of their respective owners. Ausjeepoffroad is in no way associated with DaimlerChrysler Corporation or Fiat Jeep.
www.midlifemate.com wayalife.com jkwrangler.com ausjeepforum.com jk-forum.com canadianjeepoffroad.com cryptoprofitcalculator.net
vB Ad Management by =RedTyger=