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  #7945  
Old 11-01-2018
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a ********** count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like is--first I tried we ma right hand, but nothing. en I tried we ma left hand, but still nothing. en I asked e wife for help. She tried we her right hand, en we her left, still nothing. She tried we her mooth, first we e teeth in, en we her teeth oot, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, e wifie next door an she tried too, first we both hands, en an armpit, an she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Ye, none of us could get e jar open."
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  #7946  
Old 11-01-2018
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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, "Well, dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration!"
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  #7947  
Old 18-01-2018
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Science Ideas that Deserve More Recognition:

1)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

2)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

3) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

4)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

5)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

6)
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

7) The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
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  #7948  
Old 19-01-2018
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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated as the owner wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie - and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right - the agent asked: "How many children do you have?"

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother.

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.




PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. Some examples:

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.

In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency' - notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.
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  #7949  
Old 26-01-2018
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FOR THE AUSSIES - You know you're Australian when: You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course! You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'. You wear ugg boots outside the house. You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc... You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are! You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss. You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume. You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it then you really mean it. You know that the barbecue is a political arena. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. You understand what no wucking furries means. You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam. You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors. You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
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  #7950  
Old 31-01-2018
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”
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  #7951  
Old 05-02-2018
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Paddy and Mick are on holiday and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads "Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and earn £200".

So Mick goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out yelling "Fuck that, I can't breathe, them fuckin flies are in my mouth!" ..."You'll never do it Paddy"...Paddy says"No sweat, Mick, get me in there"..So Paddy goes in and spends the full 10 minutes in the room then comes out...Mick says"Fuckin hell Paddy!! How the fuck did ya do that?"...Paddy says "Easy Mick, I done a shit in one corner and sat in the other!". 😎
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  #7952  
Old 05-02-2018
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
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