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  #7961  
Old 23-02-2018
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whaddaya gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, mate," the bikie says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, buy a drink, drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how’s your day been?"



You Know You’re Australian When:

You know the meaning of the word "girt".

You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".



When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wondered why? Because she smells like a new car.



Vegetarian - Aboriginal word for bad hunter

I don't mind coming to work… but that eight-hour wait to go home is a real pain."

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'A man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing.............. start with a very small country.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
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  #7962  
Old 01-03-2018
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Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband: Definitely not!

Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Husband: Of course, I do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.

Wife: You would? (with hurtful look on her face)

Husband: (makes audible groan)

Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Husband: Where else would we sleep?

Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

Husband:That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?

Husband: No, she's left-handed

Wife: ---silence---

Husband: Shit!!
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  #7963  
Old 01-03-2018
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  #7964  
Old 03-03-2018
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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes". "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing". This wabbit is westing!

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!

What do rabbits say before they eat? A: Lettuce pray.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

What airline do rabbits use? British Hare-ways!

What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny!

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend? A 14-carrot ring!

What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards? A receding hare line!

Did you hear about the rich rabbit? A: He was a millionhare!

What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? Bugs Bunny!

What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on roller-skates!

What's the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Rabbit Hood.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a huge rabbit in the front seat. "What are you doing with that rabbit?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the rabbit again in the front seat, with both wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that rabbit to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
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  #7965  
Old 05-03-2018
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A girl walking along a beach came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird".

The man thought nothing and fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital in pain. "Where the hell am I?"

Doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency."

“Well, what happened to me?"
"We don't know"
The man, "Well, there was a girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to see if the girl was still there, and she was.

The person said, "Do you know what happened, "Well," the girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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  #7966  
Old 06-03-2018
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> A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
>
> “Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.
>
> “No, they went to town.”
>
> “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
>
> “No, he went with Mum and Dad.”
>
> The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
>
> “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.
>
> “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
>
> The boy thought for a moment…
>
> “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
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  #7967  
Old 07-03-2018
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”


It's always better to get a second opinion.
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  #7968  
Old 08-03-2018
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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm frickin STARVING!"
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