Jokes

[wendaloo]

Subject: FW: Irish Hunters
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
>>>managed to bag 6.
>>>
>>>As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
>>>take only 4 moose.
>>>
>>>The two lads objected strongly.
>>>
>>>'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
>>>same plane as yours.'
>>>
>>>Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
>>>
>>>However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
>>>and went down.
>>>
>>>Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot
>>>survived the crash.
>>>
>>>After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we
>>>are?'
>>>
>>>'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
>>>

[wendaloo]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Yeehaw]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Yeehaw]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car
and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little
Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell
it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that
Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."



Mommy fainted!

[Wallace]

^--- hahahaha - absolutely classic.

[Wallace]

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

[Yeehaw]

The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!